So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!

I get naked.

FULL naked.

REAL naked.

I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.

No cookies. Blatant nudity.

That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…

And there it was.

This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.

Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.

“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”

Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”

As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.

This was, nearly, one of those.

If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.

My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.

I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:

“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”

And inquiries such as:

“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”

Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?

That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.

An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

  1. brbshittingmyself reblogged this from sexualremarks
  2. wafflesrdabomb reblogged this from freescriptat
  3. freescriptat reblogged this from feduptoinfinity
  4. starlight-madness reblogged this from peter-pans-booty-shorts
  5. muessigkeit reblogged this from becketts-areola
  6. thatguywholooksabitlikesherlock reblogged this from optimisticmuffins
  7. optimisticmuffins reblogged this from fieryflyingpanda
  8. fieryflyingpanda reblogged this from thedoctorandvadershipjohnlock
  9. bitchesloveart reblogged this from lacklustercorp
  10. cantstoptheships reblogged this from alysserrisbored
  11. thatonegayteen reblogged this from xxthexgingerxx
  12. chanceofsunshine4826 reblogged this from yuo-don-kno-howw-lovelie-yu-r
  13. catprincessofamerica reblogged this from lacklustercorp
  14. dougstachio reblogged this from trivinia
  15. whatwouldibewithout reblogged this from thoughtxspace
  16. lacklustercorp reblogged this from freakypencils
  17. mac-n-condesce reblogged this from ironically-wanking
  18. jeanbeangreen reblogged this from izzielosttheirmind
  19. thetrouserghost reblogged this from izzielosttheirmind
  20. shelb0tron reblogged this from fatiloquent
  21. fatiloquent reblogged this from izzielosttheirmind
  22. chaotic-mastery reblogged this from izzielosttheirmind
  23. izzielosttheirmind reblogged this from katiegkoolgeek
  24. dirrus reblogged this from trivinia
  25. trivinia reblogged this from insidiousraccoon