So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!

I get naked.

FULL naked.

REAL naked.

I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.

No cookies. Blatant nudity.

That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…

And there it was.

This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.

Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.

“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”

Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”

As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.

This was, nearly, one of those.

If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.

My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.

I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:


And inquiries such as:


Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?

That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.

An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

  1. thehark-nessmonster reblogged this from the-doctors-sweetie
  2. theangelwhohadthephonebox reblogged this from thefrozenhurricane
  3. finding-my-flow reblogged this from loonypaws
  4. kanchokan reblogged this from themisadventuresofsavingdean
  5. allthingsmrshudson reblogged this from no-imnottheseawitch
  6. laydiboog reblogged this from xdelusional
  7. themagpyetrader reblogged this from lucidparad0x
  8. whycanttherebesilence reblogged this from randomhatthief
  9. satindolphin052 reblogged this from bumble-cas
  10. idontunderstandthatrefrance reblogged this from stonedarchangels
  11. hellhoundsinbelgravia reblogged this from alowhore
  12. thekawaiilifechoseme reblogged this from hard-times-call-for-hard-dicks
  13. loonypaws reblogged this from jackfrostciicle
  14. jakecromancy reblogged this from postscratchdavestrider
  15. a-naked-shivering-rat reblogged this from spookydaftpunkses
  16. randomhatthief reblogged this from postscratchdavestrider
  17. ermahgerd-nerd reblogged this from saxy-sherlock
  18. xdelusional reblogged this from littlenerdyguy
  19. lilkidsyd1995 reblogged this from offonahuntingtrip
  20. cassmybabyno reblogged this from rsvptohell
  21. clairesatoms reblogged this from saphruikan
  22. sharkeishayasss reblogged this from satanssecretblog
  23. hard-times-call-for-hard-dicks reblogged this from soft-cheek